Because It Is The Right Thing To Do…

                I can say that I am a good decision maker. I don’t know, it just comes so naturally that I often chose the best for me. And though I’ve tried so hard to feel regretful about a particular decision I’ve made that did not bring my target result I always failed because I learned a lot from it no matter how painful it was for me.

                I will give episodes which I think I made good decisions but still make me think what if I’d gone for the other option. Firstly, ride to college, I could have chosen a course I did not like to be accommodated in a university I love to be in but instead I chose the course I want and failed the entrance examination of that university. I cried a river but God was so good. He was giving me a scholarship from a very good school and take up a course which I will love so much, “TEACHING”. I thought that if ever I passed in my first choice school and take up the course I am not interested then maybe I was not able to enjoy college that way I did. My studying had never been a chore for me. I really liked it. A lot.

 Secondly, the job offers, as a teacher, one of my greatest wishes is to work in an international school but I chose to teach in a SPED school. I love to teach children with special needs. It is nice to feel that you are one of the factors that will help them to cater those special needs. I thought that if I teach rich kids, I will feel obligated in my teaching since these students are going to pay me big. I don’t want to teach for payment. I want to teach for purpose.

Thirdly, sharing my dreams to others, I have a lot of plans for myself, I want this and I want that but since I cannot attend to both I share it to others, saying you try this and you try that and telling them what to do. Then once they performed the tasks very well and landed on their fruitful results. OMG! I was happy but I don’t want to be a hypocrite sometimes I think what if I kept it on myself, what if I did not give him the ideas, what if I give him the wrong ideas, what if I am the one who pursue it then I think I would not be able to attain those dreams because fate will not give it to me due to the reason that I became a self-centered, selfish, egoistic, narcissist type of person just to get what I want. I know that sometimes I think of myself first that I should love myself first before others but what I really know  is if I really love myself I should love other people first as love begets love. I can’t be happy if I know others could have been happier if they are the ones on my place. I think it is nicer to feel that I am part of one’s success than to be the one who reaps away one’s dream.

Fourthly, getting what I want, how far would you get just to arrive to the one you really wish all your life? And what would you do if you already sacrificed a lot but in the end, it’s already the end? In teaching, if to teach in an international school is one of my greatest dreams then my greatest dream is to teach in a public school. I applied for it. I was ranked three among the 50+  to 60+ teacher applicants. So, if we looked it, it seems that I have a good chance to be hired but I am not from the place where I applied, for example I am from place B and I applied at place A since they have this localization order, no matter how good your ranking is the priority of the committee is to hire first those applicants from place A before they give opportunity to the applicants from place B or C or D. Then I thought what if I lied about my address, what if I used a place A address then the tendency for me to be hired is huge but I also thought that with what I am doing I am already throwing away my slightest chance to be accepted. I tend not to do it because a huge part of me says that if it is really for me then it will be given to me.

This blog post is the heaviest thing I have written so far. This one is very personal. I know some might say that I am sour-graping, bitter, envy, insecure, hopeless, nonsense, whatever but one thing is for sure I may not be a good person but at least I am trying my best not to be bad. I received a message saying the right thing sometimes is also the hard way but for me the right thing sometimes is the hurtful thing. Will I post this or not? Am I ready to share this piece of myself online? Maybe some people can relate with me but I wish you get something from this scratch. Yes, I posted it because it is the right thing to do. For ME.